Not Sure Yet

Note – “Not Sure Yet” was just going to be the temporary title as I was writing this post. When I finished, it actually turned out to fit quite well as the real title. So I left it. . .

I was born into a Christian family. My parents are amazing; they used to read the bible and pray with my sister and me every night. For as long as I can remember, the Christian church has been a central part of my life. And so, I made it through high school and university without too much concern for my spiritual future. I know Jesus Christ. I have the infallible Word of God in the Bible. I know the Nicene Creed, the Lords Prayer, the Ten Commandments, and the top ten hard-hitting bible verses all by memory. I have spent more hours in church than most people twice my age. I don't have an amazing conversion story. There is no "I once was blind but now I see". I have always been able to see. . . Or have I?

When I finished University in 1999, I was offered a great job. It was exactly what I wanted to be doing, but there was a downside, the job was in Salt Lake City, Utah. At first it was a tough decision choosing between the perfect job in SLC or the less than perfect job (which paid more) in a much better location. In the end, God made the choice easy for me. On a visit to SLC before deciding on the job, God presented an open door to serve in a church in the downtown area. This was the confirmation that I needed (though it was still very difficult for my poor wife), so I accepted the SLC job. The church in Salt Lake was part of the Presbyterian Church of America (PCA), something I knew nothing about. All I knew is that they were bible-believing Christians, who loved God, and had a vision to reach out to the city.

I soon turned my attention to Presbyterians, to learn the finer details of their theology. I was surprised to be met by many things that I had never considered before: the total depravity of man, the limited atonement of Christ, predestination, and infant baptism. All of the beliefs were very solidly based on their interpretation of the bible. But at the same time they were different from my interpretations of the very same bible. Yikes!

What now? Could my understanding of God's word be limited, or perhaps incorrect??? It was more limited than I could ever have imagined. I'm not saying that I agree with all of Calvin's five points. In fact, I'm still wrestling with reformed theology, but we'll save that for another pot of coffee. The point is that I found many other bible believing, Jesus loving Christians who held beliefs that were quite different from mine, and I did not know who was right.

The correct answer of course is...Nobody is right (although, perhaps some are "more right" than others?). Here we are in this dark and sinful world doing our best to learn God's truth. As soon as we settle for having something completely sorted out, we have failed in our search.

But this was not the biggest challenge that faced me in SLC. I had to face the thing that Salt Lake and Utah is most famous for. . . The Mormon Church. I knew about the Mormon Church. How it sprang up from the teachings of Joseph Smith, how it took the language of the bible and twisted it into something completely different, how it's believers blindly followed a religion that was so filled with errors and omissions that it could not possibly be true. And yet, Mormons still clung to their beliefs every bit as much as I clung to my "true" Christian beliefs. I worked with Mormons, many of whom were brilliant engineers and very intelligent people. They knew that that had "chosen the right", and it was all confirmed by a strong "burning in their bosom".

Slowly, I came to realize that my somewhat blind Christian belief was no different than the steadfast belief of so many Mormons. They were taught their Mormon beliefs from childhood in the same way that I was taught my Christian beliefs. Could it be that I was brainwashed just like them? This was all a very painful realization, and I quietly teetered on the edge of loosing my faith completely. As I said before, I had no dramatic conversion experience to fall back on. I had many moments in my life when I had experienced God's presence, even miracles, but what if it was no different from the Mormon "burning in the bosom" or maybe I allowed my emotions to create something that wasn't really there, what if the bible was all made up and tampered with, what if, what if, what if. . .

I finally came to a very valuable conclusion: if Christianity is true and the Bible is the word of God, it can surely stand the test of my feeble mind. I allowed myself to question.

So I have been digging deeper for the solid rock that I believe underlies my Christian faith. I would love to say that God has answered my every doubt with a reassuring truth. But I know that it does not work that way. God is providing many answers, and he has helped to reassure me in the truth of his word. My head still swarms with questions and doubts, but He has given me the strength to keep on seeking and keep on knocking. I have a much better understanding of what it means for my soul to be thirsting for God. I long for a burning bush, a pillar of fire, a parted red sea, some kind of a clear sign that I am taking my life in the right direction. But I fear that even if I had those things, I would still manage to forget / doubt / question.

I believe that this struggle is a part of growing up and moving forward in my relationship with the one true God. I have a couple of requests for all of you who have faced this struggle (and I do believe that most have or will face this in one form or another). First pray for me (I don't like teetering on the edge) and second what books and authors have you read that have helped to shape / confirm / rebuke your beliefs?

I would like to end this post with an apology. To all of my great friends around the world who are thinking to themselves: "I had no idea you felt this way; why didn't you say something". Shame on me for not being more open and taking advantage of the support that I know I have had. But I have managed to get over myself enough to write this post and hopefully get a little help and support from all of my brothers and sisters wherever you may be.

JE